“They Finna Come in Here and Jump on Somebody Ass”

An NBA Playoff Preview

If this were a normal NBA season, we’d probably have a normal NBA playoff preview planned. But this ain’t your average playoffs — so we brought in our good friends Channing Frye and Iman Shumpert to separate the contenders from the pretenders. Let’s basketball.

Iman Shumpert

Yo, I’m just telling y’all: I watch a whole lotta basketball. And when I’m watching basketball, I’m usually right.

Channing Frye
Hahahahaha.

Shump
Lol. I know a lot of people that play a lot of ball, but I don’t know too many that’s gonna study it like this, man. Nah — not like this. I’m precise with this shit.

Channing
Here’s what I think: You just need to pick teams with real hoopers. Right??

Shump
Yup. In the bubble, being in shape — I’m talking hooping shape — is the biggest thing right now.

Channing
BIGGEST thing. Because Houston? Like if they’re in shape more than other teams? They’re a problem. That. Is. A. Problem.

Shump
Oh my Lord.

Channing
But we’re getting ahead, we’re getting ahead! Let’s start in the East — count ’em down, eight to one. Then we’ll do the West, including our pick for play-in contender. And then we’ll give the people a champion.

Shump
Bet.

The East

Eighth: Brooklyn

Channing
I actually think the Nets belong in the seven spot. You’ve got to think — they do have playoff experience, right? They do have guys….

Shump
They have guys that did it when you had that nucleus. Who’s handling the ball now??

Channing
They got Jamal Crawford now, don’t forget Jamal.

Shump
But still, even with JC. You’re asking JC — at his age — to carry you in a series against the Raptors?? Against the defending champs?? They’re last, shorty. It sounds cool on paper. Trust in Shump. Y’all can play 2K with these rankings all y’all want to.

Channing
You know what? I’ll give you this one — because I’m thinking about it, and who they have on their team, during the middle of a pandemic….

Shump
Now if Dinwiddie was there, I might have them seven. But Spencer’s not playing, so it’s tough.

Channing
Plus, there’s no backup center.

Shump
That’s what I’m saying!! Who’s their backup ONE?

Channing
Tyler Johnson’s on the Nets.

Shump
Oh right, that happened.

Channing
Yeah.

Shump
They straight, I lied. You’re right. I believe in him. I’m actually a fan of him with the ball in his hand.

Channing
I like his game. He makes the right plays….

Shump
And, for lack of a better term, he’s not a bitch.

Channing
No, hell no.

Shump
I love that. I love playing against people and throwing a shot at ’em or saying some really foul shit to ’em and hearing their response. I’m not gonna air out his response, but I loved it.

Seventh: Orlando

Channing
I think Washington will be better than Orlando next year.

Shump
I don’t.

Channing
Just think about it. Take your top two players. John Wall and Bradley Beal versus Vuc and Aaron Gordon.

Shump
That’s what I’m saying. You’ve just picked two guards, bro, and then two big men. You serious?

Channing
No, no, no. What I’m saying is, if I were to bet on a team, I would take the top two players, right?

Shump
And say this is who’s gon’ win at the end?

Channing
Yeah, this is who’s going to win. When it comes down to it, John Wall and Bradley Beal, if the game is on the line, I’m thinking those two first before Vuc and Aaron Gordon.

Shump
Oh, yeah, for sure … on paper.

Channing
Anyway it’s Bucks in four.

Sixth: Philly

Channing
How far you think Philly can go? Like really.

Shump
You know what’s scary about Philly to me? On paper they should go far. That’s a team where, if they’re right? They might have a deep run in them. But I don’t know who Joel Embiid is, though, you know what I mean? There are times that he scares me … but then there are still these times where I’m like, “Bro, they are actually running shit for you. Why can’t you get going?”

Channing
Right.

On paper they should go far. That’s a team where, if they’re right? They might have a deep run in them.

Shump
I get it if they’re not using you or something. But there are times Joel’s being used — and yet he’ll have those games where he’ll just go away and then laugh it up on Twitter. And everybody be cool with it. I can’t put my money on them until he go into kill mode. Like on a permanent basis.

Channing
I think, for me, I think we see the talent. Everything comes to him so easily. You see him doing windmills, you see him just play. When he really wants to, he thinks he can just turn it on — and same with the team. That team is so talented that they think they can just turn it on. But what happens is, with that mentality, I think they become undisciplined. They’re all so good that they try to do it themselves. They don’t trust each other.

Shump
Yeah.

Channing
But when they DO trust each other, it’s when it’s convenient … not when it’s winning time. Like you don’t see Embiid and Ben Simmons most of the time — now, I haven’t watched every minute of every game — but you don’t see them talking about the game. You don’t see them being like, “Yo, you go over here this time,” or, “Well, let’s go match up this,” right?

Shump
Yeah.

Channing
I don’t know if they do, but I watched a lot of Philly games this year before COVID, and I’ve looked at their bench. And if you look at their bench, it’s quiet, and nobody wants to say nothing to nobody.

Shump
Yup.

Channing
Like who are they? They have two or three different versions of their team, but there’s just so much talent that it just … some nights it works, and other nights, when it’s tough, it doesn’t.

Shump
That’s what’s scary. It’s like you don’t know what they’re naturally going to play like. I guess that’s what I was saying about Joel Embiid. I don’t know if I’m getting dangerous Joel, or am I getting two three-pointers Joel, or am I getting…? You know what I’m saying?

Channing
Am I getting angry Joel Embiid? is kind of what I’m asking.

Shump
That’s why when they had Jimmy it was so good. Because it was like, “You’re scary now because we know Jimmy’s an asshole every game.”

Channing
Oh, for sure.

Shump
He’s going to scream at y’all every game. He’s going to want it bad every game. So, losing him I think is the reason why Philly, to me, I don’t know about them yet until they have another angry leader.

Channing
I think against Boston it’s a wrap.

Fifth: Indiana

Channing
So, I originally had — not as their seeding, but just who’s better — Orlando, Indiana, Philly, Miami as 7, 6, 5, 4.

Shump
Oh, nah — you better raise Indiana up, kid. They play HARD. And they got that boy that drop everything, in Sabonis. I believe in that white man!! LOL. I love ’em, I love ’em to death. Give me him because he’s scoring, and he shut up and play, too. He don’t say shit.

Channing
No, he don’t say nothing.

Shump
On my mama, he throwing sharp elbows, ALL that shit.

Channing
And they hurt … but listen, is Indiana better than Philly?

Shump
Yes, Indiana gon’ do better than Philly! In the bubble?! In the bubble, bro? We’re talking about trusting your team, too. You gotta know, Indiana is a No Bullshit operation. I just think discipline comes into play when we talkin’ about the bubble. A couple of these mofos is already … it’s AAU to them, they tryna sneak girls in it. I just feel like Indiana will have that discipline.

Channing
True. And the way T.J. playing?! Do I even need to speak on it?

Shump
Exactly, bruh. Say less.

Fourth: Boston

Channing
Listen, one team that, if they get real hot they could be a problem, is Boston. I think playing Kemba, when you start double-teaming him, you’ve got Jaylen Brown, who’s been playing out of his mind this year. Gordon Hayward’s kind of accepted his role. Jayson Tatum.

Shump
Yeah, but they don’t have Scary Terry no more. I don’t know, man. I get it. I get it. Like I’ve seen Kemba kill people for long enough. I’ve seen it over and over. I’ve seen it. It’s a nice team. It’s just — I don’t see what pushes them over the top.

Channing
Also, as far as this Boston-Philly matchup goes, it’s tough to believe in Daniel Theis over Joel Embiid. Or at least not when Joel wants to play for real.

Shump
Yeah, like you said, if we get mad Joel Embiid, oh Lord.

Channing
Ooh, yes.

Shump
Oh Lord. That could be a series.

Third: Miami

Channing
Hold up. You think Miami is better than Boston? You think Miami is the THIRD best team in the East right now?

Shump
I think, for this bubble, when they start doing shit, when games start mattering mattering … Miami’s gonna be one of these teams that feeds off that. It’s their type of environment. They’re gonna make some noise.

Channing
O.K.

Shump
You know me, Channing. I’m not into the, “Who’s better, who we got on paper?” I’m not doing that shit. I know what time it is. When everybody gets dog tired, and everybody starts getting hurt, who’s gonna be more in shape? Miami been working their asses off — so they finna come in here and jump on somebody ass. That’s what I’m thinking.

Channing
Right.

Miami been working their asses off — so they finna come in here and jump on somebody ass.

Shump
I’m not thinking they’re the best on paper — if this was a regular-season preview, it’d be different. But I trust Miami as a playoff team, for sure. They were built for this bubble.

Channing
100%.

Shump
I’m just gon’ say if we have a sleeper, it’s Miami.

Second: Milwaukee

Channing
Look, I can’t bet against Giannis. But I can say, Hey, I think Toronto is more physical—

Shump
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Channing
What?

Shump
What’s this you can’t bet against Giannis shit? Like that man got five rings??

Channing
He doesn’t have five rings, but in the—

Shump
That man hasn’t won shit, man. You can bet against him if you want to. That man hasn’t won shit, bro. Didn’t nobody care about none of us ’til we won shit. Almost won don’t count. Destined to win don’t count. It’s have you or haven’t you Done The Thing? The rest don’t count.

Channing
O.K., that’s true.

Shump
That’s how it go. That’s how that shit go. All these dudes on TV talking that big-boy talk, you know, “Giannis, he gon’ earn his!!” O.K. Can’t wait. But we not gon’ talk like that man’s got six rings. You can bet against Giannis because Toronto nearly clapped him up. They already clapped him up.

Channing
Ka—whiii did that. Kawhi and them. They don’t have Kawhi now.

Shump
Listen. At the end of the game, if it turns into a battle of threes, Toronto can make threes. Giannis … I don’t know. Seems like he loses in that spot when he has to respond. And that makes me think that Giannis — GREAT AS HE IS — will always be able to be beat until he comes back shooting that thing. And it can’t be like he’s setting his feet to shoot it. It’s gotta be a real weapon, where he can come down and pull it, and you have to guard him as if you were guarding KD.

Channing
Sure, I can give you that. But what about bench depth, what about their SIZE?

Shump
Don’t matter at the end of the game!! At the end of the game, Bucks and Raptors, who’s delivering this win?? I’ll ride with the champs.

First: Toronto

Shump
People keep forgetting about Toronto. It’s not a favorite on paper.

Channing
If you really watched them throughout the seeding games, you know: They bring it on defense, they’re disciplined, they trust each other….

Shump
That’s everything. You hit the nail on the head. Their trust is great.

Channing
And they’re physical. Like, Kyle’s the man. And then you bring in another guard who should be a starter like VanVleet, and you play that three-guard lineup?? And then Siakam and their bench??! And their newbie, who’s physical and big…?

Shump
Yeah, you’re right. You’re right.

Channing
And Marc Gasol, who looks like he’s been vegan for a couple of months? Ohhh stop.

Shump
You’re right. I’ll give you that.

Channing
So, we got Toronto locking up the East.

Shump
Wait. Wait. Are we just saying that because they’re the champions, though?? Gut check.

Channing
That’s the thing — are we? Are we sure they beating Milwaukee?

Shump
I’mma mess around and say yes. I’m gonna mess around and say — in the BUBBLE — yes.

Channing
In the bubble.

Shump
In the bubble.

Channing
In the bubble, Toronto No. 1, Milwaukee No. 2.

Shump
I’m with that. I can live with that.

Channing
Because you got a crazy disciplined, in shape, PHYSICAL team, right?

Shump
Right. Locked.

The West

Ninth: Grizzlies

Channing
I just don’t think the Grizzlies can keep up with a healthy Portland. And that’s not shots — I think they’re really good. I think Ja is special. I think that’s a team of the future, right? Meaning next year, the year after, man, who knows? But I just don’t think right now, if you have a two-game series, and Memphis has to win BOTH to make it, who are you taking? Are you taking the rookie and Valančiūnas? Or are you taking C.J. and Dame?

Shump
Exactly.

Channing
And now they have Nurk back. They’ve got Zach Collins back. They got Simons. Whiteside. TRENT. They have bench guys that can come in who have gotten real minutes, now, because the team has been so hurt. So a healthy Blazers, WITH Melo….

Shump
With Melo.

Channing
Melo’s going to give you 12–15.

Shump
Don’t disrespect God. It’ll be 20.

Channing
Ehhhhh. Melo’s average….

Shump
Hey — Melo’s been eating sandwiches with no bread, bro. He in playoff shape. He ready.

Channing
Hahahahaha.

Shump
I’ve seen his face, you know Melo got two different faces. He’s got heavy face, and he’s got light face. He in light face right now.

Channing
No, no, no. He’s definitely been eating a lot of pears. Look, Melo can average 20 if teams try the same strategy that they tried last year on Dame, which is to double-team him at the top of the court.

Shump
I mean, you think Ja Morant’s going to guard him and C.J.? You can’t, that’s the problem here. You have to start a scramble, and then make them make a drastic decision. Like — they earned that.

Eighth: Portland

Channing
So, let’s go Portland at 8. That’s as far as they’ll go, though, since coming out the play-in they’ll match up with … well, you know who I’m talking about.

Shump
That’s what I’m saying.

Seventh: Dallas

Channing
Dallas.

Shump
Yeah. I trust in my dog, Luka. I trust in my dog.

Channing
Luka, he’s good. They got a great system, and Porzingis — what is he going to do on this stage?? I’m curious. They’ve got a great relationship, they’re in a perfect system for each other.

Shump
It doesn’t matter. He’s two years old.

Channing
This is also true. It doesn’t matter.

Shump
But in a way that’s a good thing. He literally can just go in there and play freely. That’s all he has to do: play freely, and score more than everybody else. It’s a tough matchup for them in round 1, with the Clippers — but as long as Luka does Luka, I’m gonna have to watch. It could get a little interesting.

Sixth: Utah

Shump
I got Utah at 6, then OKC at 5.

Channing
You got Utah at 6?

Shump
Yeah, I’m not a fan.

Channing
Why aren’t you a fan?

Shump
Because … they’re dangerous, but I think they’re only dangerous with a crowd. This sounds bad, but to me they’re a boring personality team. And for that type of team, it’s just hard to provide your own energy to win games. Like, besides Spider being able to do some super creative stuff around the rim — as far as excitement goes, and how they play? As far as their style? It’s hard to create energy. They don’t run fast. They’re not creating a lot of turnovers. I just don’t know.

Channing
They are very methodical.

Shump
Yeah, and methodical calls for a certain type of crowd to say, “Yeah, we like watching you play methodically,” and they give you more energy. And then when you’re playing Utah as an opponent, you’re like, Damnit, this shit is annoying.

Channing
Lol.

Shump
I just feel like in the bubble, you run two screens and you hit a three … and we just take the ball out and bring it up, you know what I’m saying? We good. There’s no pressure — and without that pressure, that atmosphere, I just don’t see these Jazz being very dangerous in the playoffs.

Fifth: Denver

Channing
Denver, Utah and Philly are the best home teams in the NBA.

Shump
For sure.

Channing
I mean, maybe not in terms of record — but in terms of the energy that they vibe off of.

Shump
No, for sure, and it’s the same thing I was just saying about Utah that can definitely hurt Denver. They’re used to their crowd being on your head. You can’t think, everything is going crazy. But then it’s like … you’re not that scary if you’re in Orlando playing, and the altitude ain’t there, and the crowd ain’t going crazy, and it’s just like — “Yeah, y’all scored. O.K. Now get back.”

Channing
Denver over Utah, though, in that series?

Shump
I think so. Yeah. It’s a close one but I think so.

Fourth: OKC

Channing
It’s hard for them to score. Right?

Shump
Yeah, it’s because CP is six feet tall. Man, I love this team. And I love CP to death. It’s just hard for me.

Channing
Yeah, it’s hard for them to score, but also hard to guard them when you have Chris Paul and they’re playing that CP style. And then you have — God, I like this kid — Shai.

Shump
Shai is the man.

They’re defensive minded. They aren’t afraid to grind it out

Channing
Yeah, the man. Love that kid, right?? And then they’re physical, that’s another thing. They’re defensive minded. They aren’t afraid to grind it out. And then defensively, they have length, they have energy, and if Gallinari is healthy — I think people forget, Gallinari was averaging 25 for a couple of months there.

Shump
Yeah. Gallinari always gon’ to be able to play his ass off.

Channing
Always. So, for me, Gallinari is a major X factor with OKC because he’s such a scorer. And then I think when you bring in Schröder, who’s been a starter on an Eastern Conference playoff team, it’s like — I can trust this dude. You’re not bringing in somebody afraid of the moment.

Shump
Yeah, I need to put a little bit more respect on his name.

Channing
He might win Sixth Man of the Year.

Shump
He might — but people act like they ain’t see that shit! We see you, though, Dennis. We see you.

Third: Clippers

Shump
Clippers 3?

Channing
Now, here’s why I can agree with that. Here’s why. Paper, they have so much it’s ridiculous. You have Paul George, you’ve got Marcus Morris, you’ve got Reggie, you’ve got Joakim Noah, you’ve got Trez … but how do you handle all of them on a nightly basis?? Who’s going to sit in the corner and not do anything and just play defense as Kawhi goes one-on-one and shoots 25 shots? They have scorers.

Shump
They do. Patrick Beverley actually cancels out a lot of that because he doesn’t really care to have to shoot. He’ll make himself….

Channing
O.K., that’s one. That’s one guy. O.K., so how much do you play Marcus Morris? How much do you…? Reggie Jackson?? Listen. Reggie’s shootin’!! Reggie likes to shoot!

Shump
But Marcus Morris has mastered his ability to say, “Look, I’m gonna get mine off the pick-and-roll. So, if you throw it to me, I know what to do with it.” Not going to do too much. And the good thing about Paul George and Kawhi is, they both give the ball up immediately.

Channing
True, they play right.

We gotta at least consider them as a contender for second in the West.

Shump
Yeah. Though they can go do that, if you blink or you flinch too hard when they coming off a ball, they’re going to throw it, and Marcus Morris is going to get his efficient 12 to 15.

Channing
Now, we gotta at least consider them as a contender for second in the West. To play devil’s advocate — James Harden is the most dangerous person in the bubble but…. Who’s gonna guard all those shooters? I mean, Clippers got a whole team of people that are the same size as Kawhi Leonard and Paul George. Houston don’t got all that height.

Shump
Yeah.

Channing
Right? So, can the Clippers win by throwing Trez Harrell the ball? Because he’s a monster now. Listen, let’s not sleep.

Shump
If they go somewhere, it’s because of him.

Channing
Yeah.

Shump
Because we know what the rest of them gon’ do.

Channing
Right.

Shump
It’s depending on how much bully he does. Because he’s the Tristan Thompson, but he has moves that come with it.

Channing
Yeah.

Shump
It’s Tristan Thompson with a twist because he will come out there and Euro step you, start dribbling through his legs, he’ll dunk it with either hand, palm it. Because he’s not a one-trick pony, I think if they make a bigger run than we’re expecting, it’s because of him.

Second: Houston

Channing
So, back to Houston.

Shump
I got Houston 2.

Channing
Wooow, you’re betting a lot on James Harden.

Shump
It’s not on James Harden, it’s on the bubble.

Channing
O.K. Because in the bubble there are no distractions.

Shump
Yes! Exactly! There is nothing to distract James Harden right now. That is the scariest shit on the earth, bruh.

Channing
True. O.K., in the BUBBLE, James Harden two.

Shump
Lol. James Harden is the most deadliest person walking around the bubble right now. And you know I don’t want to say that. I don’t want to say that because when we were playing there we didn’t get our ring and then Houston bullshitted, we didn’t get the deal done. So, yeah. I would love to hate on them right now. I really would. But that motherfucker is the most dangerous person walking around the bubble.

Channing
Hahahahaha.

Shump
His movements don’t even look fast. It just looks like you can’t touch him. It’s very weird. It’s like watching Floyd Mayweather play basketball. It’s gonna be 40 a game. An easy 40.

Channing
A light 40.

Shump
Yeah, it’s light.

Channing
Houston could do it.

Champion: Lakers

Shump
So, everything I said about those teams that need the crowd, that’s what gives me this L.A. Lakers group at No. 1. L.A.’s gonna be No. 1 because you now have LeBron — an actual genius — that’s going to take over. It’s a practice for LeBron. There’s nobody talking, he’s gonna talk, and everybody can hear him. Like, he’s gonna strategically put people … it’s gonna be scary, man. The only team that can stop them is Houston.

Channing
You think Houston, not Kawhi and PG?

Shump
Kawhi and PG, if they’re gonna be disciplined, that’s cool. If they give the ball to Kawhi a little bit more, they have a better chance than giving it to PG just because PG is matched up with LeBron. Though PG has the ability to outlast LeBron scoring wise, there’s always a discrepancy with being able to make enough plays to beat LeBron, at least when I’ve watched their battles throughout the years. You know what I’m saying?

Channing
Right.

Shump
Like it’s always coming down to the end, and it’s like — though PG can outscore him, LeBron’s going to make the stop, he’s gonna put people in the right position. Somebody else is going to hit a three for ’em. He’s gonna make sure they get the rebound and make the fouls count. You know how LeBron works.

Channing
Right.

Shump
You know how he works. It’s different. You got him and CP, they know how to take the game while everybody else is tired and shit. So, in a completely quiet room, and you’ve got to play against a Chris Paul or a LeBron — like thank God that KG isn’t in the fucking league.

Channing
Hahaha.

Shump
You can’t beat these guys if they get to control the room like that. No crowd means no way to take away from their knowledge of the game — and now everybody around them becomes three, four times smarter and more calm because they know this person’s got control.

Channing
Right. Agree.

Shump
I will say this. This not no disclaimer, because I would have told you Lakers had it if you asked me before the shutdown. But I will say, people don’t realize how much circumstance has to do with winning a game. If you played in the lockout, oh man. You understand.

Channing
Yessir.

Shump
It matters if it rained that day goddammit — let alone if these teams were all in shape, if guys waited an extra month before they started getting their workouts in. If guys took time off and just drank for the first week thinking that the season was gonna be canceled.

Channing
Right.

Shump
But LeBron?? He’s gonna be playing like he needs it right now. Lakers about to play like they NEED it right now.

Channing
Oh hell yes. Mentally, they feel like they can win, so their mentality is just different. They’re like, Look, we got this locked down, we know our reputation, we know what we’ve been through. We’re trying to win a chip.

Shump
Exactly. It’s their title to lose.